


The Book I Read

by delatrose (cavloe12)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 08:12:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17484434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cavloe12/pseuds/delatrose
Summary: Sasuke is stuck in a world he hates full of people he despises with his only solace being a book he is not supposed to read but he can't help dreaming of a world where he can be open like the characters in that book. To do that, however, he'll have to accept himself first.In walks Naruto, the author of the book and a man who seems to embody it's message to his very core, ready to pull Sasuke out of his sad little hole he's dug for himself.Trigger warnings in the notes please read before continuing!





	The Book I Read

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very heavy story I think, at least there are lots of heavy themes and some morally grey areas that I won’t talk about right now for fear of ruining the things I set up but I will say there is a lot of depressing talk and mentions/description of suicide. Please do not take this story as pro-suicide in anyway and unless you are horribly triggered by suicidal ideation/discussion please finish or read the story because mostly this is about recovery!
> 
> Yes, a majority of the first part is kind of sad and repressed, but the whole point of the story is recovery and forgiveness, moving on from trauma and beginning to live again. Allow yourself to be free! Do not sit in your little hole forever, perhaps it is comfortable but in the end it only hurts yourself and those you love. Recovery is possible and you are worth it. The homophobia is mostly internal (as usual) though there is slight implications of externalized homophobia. it's just like one line and I /might/ have a gay character say something some would see as a slur so be warned of that (I am gay btw this isn't like some cishet using writing gay characters as an excuse to say slurs)
> 
> tl;dr tw for descriptions of suicide/suicidal ideation, none of the characters currently alive will even attempt suicide and instead recover from traumas. Also lots of paragraphs.
> 
> Also, don’t be afraid to come out at your own pace! I know that the world may seem like it’s constantly pushing you out of the closet, but in the end it’s your choice of whether you want to come out. Being outed forcefully is terrible, of course, but always be careful when expressing yourself, the world isn’t always kind but try and find people who make it so <3 (this doesn’t have much to do with the story, just a little message for all my lgbt readers)

It was a rather large party but not nearly large enough with how he’d been pulled around in so many different directions by various patrons and donors, he felt like he was being tossed around in some kind of giant salad bowl that was this fundraiser for his parent’s bullshit charity. LGBT rights, as if they genuinely cared about that.

“Hey! Sasuke!” He sighed deeply and turned to where his friend was calling him from, he’d only just sat down at the bar to get another drink and take a break but Suigetsu was sauntering over to him, two pink and yellow heads bobbing behind him.

“Yes, Suigetsu,” he replied diplomatically, putting on his most unaffected face as the group of three approached him. When they got closer, he took in the appearances of the two behind Suigetsu. One was female, with pink hair and bright green eyes. She looked strong, firm and unyielding with a distinct toughness that made her somewhat intimidating though the light smile that graced her lips said otherwise.

He looked to the man behind her and quickly turned away, that wasn’t the type of person he was supposed to be looking at. And yet, he was going to have to converse with this man, this man he’d taken just one glance at and utterly adored. Just his air, just the feeling he carried around with him, the aura that Sasuke could now feel hovering behind Suigetsu as he got ever closer to where Sasuke was still slightly panicking. He couldn’t look, though he desperately wanted to. He couldn’t look because he knew if he did, he wouldn’t be able to look away. But he wasn’t supposed to be like that. Wasn’t supposed to let people know of his disposition.

“Meet Sakura Haruno and Naruto Uzumaki,” Suigetsu introduced, gesturing to the people behind him. He nodded politely at Sakura and quickly to Naruto, barely sparing him a glance as he willed himself desperately not to turn back around and stare into those deep blue eyes. The name seemed vaguely familiar but he wasn’t sure where from. “Sakura runs the LGBT health clinic downtown and Naruto wrote Doused in Sunshine.”

Sasuke froze. He’d read that book, he’d read it many times in fact. Authors and series had never really interested him and this book was his own guilty pleasure that he indulged in only in the middle of the night in the privacy of his room, hidden away carefully once the light of day had come. He couldn’t really remember where he’d gotten it or how many times he’d read it but it had accompanied him through some of his darkest times and was his greatest companion since Itachi’s death.

“Eh? Have you read my book?” He turned to the voice and was lost. His mouth felt ridiculous, flapping up and down without any words coming out and he yelled at himself to get it together before Suigetsu noticed anything odd. Surely it was too late for that since he’d certainly been staring at this man for at least thirty seconds but he couldn’t stop. It was as if the man encompassed the book he’d written. “Doused in Sunshine” would certainly be an accurate description of his appearance anyway.

“Sasuke? You okay?” Suigetsu’s concerned voice and the odd looks both the blond and pink-haired girl were giving him suddenly snapped him out of his reverie as he stopped staring at perhaps the most gorgeous human being he’d ever met.

“I’m fine and no, I have not read your book,” he responded. The blond looked slightly disappointed but smiled and nodded.

“Ah, that’s understandable. It’s not that great, not worth pretty much any of the praise it’s gotten,” he said sheepishly. The pink-haired girl glared at him out of the corner of her eye.

“Naruto, you know that’s absolutely not true,” she scolded and turned to Sasuke. “This idiot worked for years on that book, it was his entire life throughout college. Sometimes we wouldn’t see him for days and when we found him he’d be in his room in a sea of paper with bags under his eyes.”

“You write on paper?” he asked haughtily. He was stuck in this conversation and there wasn’t much he could do to get out of it without drawing attention to himself from a still-concerned Suigetsu so he might as well try a little bit despite how he was dying inside. Maybe he could annoy the man until he just gave up, he’d always been pretty good at being a bastard.

“Uh, well, before typing it up yeah. It just feels a lot more fluid that way,” he replies, sending Sasuke a slightly put-off look. Sasuke looks purposely away from him so he knows he’s been disregarded as he replies.

“How archaic,” he scoffs. From the corner of his eye he can see both guests glare at him but ignores them to thank the bartender as he’s brought his drink, smirking internally. He tries not to steal a glance at Naruto and fails, his eyes forcing him to rove across his frame and take in just how well the suit he’s wearing fits him. He glares at the end for good measure. “I guess it’s better than using a typewriter, though, if you’re going to live in the twentieth century.”

“Typewriters are too loud and my apartment has such thin walls I don’t think they’d let me use one if I wanted to. Not all of us can live in penthouses with soundproofing so good we could have an orgy next to our grandparent’s room and get away without a beating.” Sasuke’s eyes widened slightly before his lips turned up in an actual smirk, this man was so dangerous.

“Hm, well maybe you like to have your orgies out in the woods like the rest of the hippies writing their novels with pencils made of recycled paper but some of us actually have a sense of propriety.” Sasuke felt an intense wave of satisfaction roll over him at how angry that seemed to make Naruto who looked like he was just about to burst.

“Maybe we should get going,” Sakura started. “It’s been nice to meet you, Suige—”

“No,” two voices interrupted. He turned in surprise when he heard Naruto’s voice sound off perfectly in sync with his own. Naruto glared back at him and Sasuke swore he fell in love right there. He wouldn’t give up this chance. He’d met the author of his favorite book and he was everything Sasuke could want and more. Feisty, talkative, fun, and aggressively stupid. He was perfect, and there was no way he could stay away now.

Sakura looked at Suigetsu for help but he just shrugged, used to Sasuke’s antics. For the rest of the night he flitted between purposely aggressive, coldly polite, and accidentally kind whenever Naruto did something too stupidly cute. Sakura and Suigetsu had left them alone a little while ago and now it was just the two of them at this bar with drinks in their hands, talking and arguing for at least an hour now. If he’d taken more than a few appreciative glances at the man beside him, who was to say?

Engaging with Naruto had a purpose other than enjoying his company, however, and that came into play after the first time he had introduced him to someone who came up to interrupt them. Apparently, Naruto was famous, not by his appearance, but his name carried great power. Every time he so much as said it the person who’d come up to them apologized for interrupting and backed away.

“Sorry I keep scaring off all the donors,” Naruto apologized after a man Sasuke absolutely despised turned away from them.

“Who says that’s not exactly why I’m keeping you here,” he returned, looking over at Naruto through his peripherals.

“I knew you were using me for something,” Naruto complained with a pout. Sasuke huffed a laugh and took a sip of his drink which was still half full despite it being over two hours since he’d gotten it. “I mean, you obviously hate me like who would want to be around someone they just argued with constantly?”

“Then why haven’t you left?” he asked.

“Well I’m certified insane, take the pills and everything so nothing I do ever makes any sense. But you’re some big hotshot that everyone knows and wants to talk to, I can’t imagine any other reason you’d want to stay around someone like me, especially when you seem to hate me like you do.”

“Who said I hated you?” Naruto gave him a calculating look and he stared back blankly at him, a million thoughts running through his head.

“Your family owns this place, don’t they?” He narrowed his eyes at the sudden change in topic but nodded in response. Naruto inched closer to him and lowered his head so he was talking to Sasuke’s neck. “So you’d know somewhere no one would find us, right?” he asked quietly. Sasuke’s eyes widened substantially at the implication but he nodded slowly.

“There’s a room upstairs that only I and my parents have a key to,” he slid his own copy of the key onto Naruto’s leg, letting his fingers linger slightly and feeling Naruto’s brush lightly across them. “Third door on the left, don’t let anyone see you, I’ll be up in five.”

“Roger,” Naruto agreed, putting the key in his pocket as he stood. Sasuke turned away as soon as he left, he couldn’t allow anyone to see how he wanted to linger on the retreating frame. He drank the rest of his drink at an acceptable pace, peeking at the large clock behind the bar every now and again. As soon as five minutes had passed, he looked around discretely before heading towards the wall where the door to the stairs was and skimming it until he reached it.

When he got to the door to the room he hesitated, looking around to make sure he was alone before taking a deep breath and putting his head against the door to calm his nerves.

“Who is it?” Naruto called loudly. Sasuke lifted his head and promptly hit it against the door in frustration, all hesitancy suddenly leaving him.

“It’s me, dumbass, don’t be so loud!” he hissed. He heard Naruto chuckle as he unlocked the door. Sasuke was glad he’d at least done that, even though no one would dare to come in here, it was always a good precaution. The door opened and behind it was Naruto giving him a warm smile that he stared at openly as he stepped into the room. Naruto closed the door behind him and locked it again.

Once in the room he took a few seconds to look around, turning first to the picture on the dresser of him and his brother as children, he could tell Naruto had touched it since it was slightly off-center from when he’d last dusted.

“Is this…”

“Itachi’s room,” Sasuke finished. He stared around the room at all his brother’s old belongings, closing his eyes and clenching his fists. He felt Naruto come up behind him and touch his fist lightly and Sasuke let himself loosen up, feeling the warmth of Naruto’s body lighten the load and trying desperately not to look towards the bathroom door.

Soon he didn’t have to try as hard not to look towards the source of his fears as Naruto put his lips against his neck and he just melted against him like a stick of butter in a frying pan.

“Is this ok?” Naruto asked and he just nodded lightly, saying it out loud would be too much of an admission. He definitely wasn’t ready for this, not at all, but he wanted it so bad he couldn’t take it anymore. Here was this man, this legend who had won his heart with his deft prose and poetic imagery that filled him with some emotion yet unidentifiable to him. He’d learned to live again because of that book and now the man who wrote it was behind him, helping him live even more.

Fear tugged at his heart as he pushed himself to turn around, he’d never actually kissed a man although he’d dreamed of it many times so he breathed deeply and let Naruto guide him instead. The feeling of Naruto’s mouth on his neck was incredible, thinking of it as someone he was attracted to, as a man’s mouth, it thrilled him to no end and he missed it desperately when Naruto turned him around.

After he turned to face Naruto he took a second to look at him up close, his eyes were soft and hooded lightly and his smile was slightly teasing but also kind, his lips wet and horribly kissable.

“You all right?” Naruto asked him. He felt kind of dazed, barely registering the question as he continued to stare at his lips.

“I’ve never kissed a man,” he whispers.

“Oh? Well, I don’t mind being your f—” Sasuke kissed him before he could finish, fuck propriety. Everything around him spun as his lips clashed with Naruto’s and he slowed him down, carefully taking control from Sasuke and easing him into the most wonderful thing he’d ever experienced. He’d had sex with women plenty of times, not that he’d necessarily wanted to, but it was what was expected of him and he hadn’t wanted anyone questioning him like Itachi. Now it all seemed so trivial, all the fears and worries that had plagued him before. Naruto was kissing him and there couldn’t be anything better in the world.

Something about it being a man, about opening his eyes and seeing Naruto’s face, someone he was so horribly attracted to and the way he pressed up against him opened some door in his mind. Sasuke smiled against Naruto’s lips and felt a small peck in return. He opens his eyes again and sees Naruto looking at him, the warmest smile in his eyes and Sasuke once again feels like he’s already fallen in love with this blond idiot. To drown out those feelings, he kisses him again, letting Naruto push him back slowly.

It isn’t until his legs hit the side of the bed that he’s suddenly jerked back into the presence. He’s in his brother’s old room making out with a man he’s known for a little over two hours while a fundraising party is still going on downstairs. His parents could come in looking for him at any time and they would come looking for him since he was the host.

“Sasuke?” There was concern in Naruto’s voice and he realized he was frozen in his arms. He let out the breath he hadn’t known he was holding and looked down at the bed below him, the memories of that awful night flowing through him. It was just something he’d gotten used to, this constant feeling of guilt and regret that always left him feeling devoid of all emotion except that anger that burned through him and the spite that kept him alive. He put his hands on Naruto’s arms as Naruto took his shoulders, worry consuming his features.

“You should leave,” he says, hating how soft his voice is.

“What?” Naruto exhales, raising an eyebrow at him.

“You seem like a good person, you should find a better organization to support. My parents embezzle money off the donations and almost none of it goes to the causes it supposedly supports,” he explains. He’s not sure exactly why he’s telling him this but something inside himself tells him he can trust Naruto and he really doesn’t want someone as genuine as him falling for his parent’s scam. He watches with resignation as Naruto’s eyes widen and his face scrunches in disgust.

“What? Why are you telling me this? Isn’t it your organization?” He hisses angrily. Sasuke looks away from him and glares at the bed, he hates the situation just as much.

“I said it’s because you seem like a good person and it’s my name on the banner and me who has to give all the speeches but I have no control over the financial aspect of it. What my parents—my father is doing is not what I want but I depend on their money to keep this restaurant afloat and this place means everything to me.” He feels Naruto’s hands clench around his shoulders and scrunches into himself, the rejection he expected hitting harder than he thought it would.

“I thought it was weird to have a fundraiser named after your dead brother inside his old restaurant, always thought it played up the pity card just a little too much,” Naruto says with a light chuckle. Sasuke looks up suddenly as the clenched hands started stroking his shoulders kindly. Naruto’s got that same kind smile and Sasuke can only glare at him for a second before melting into those eyes and leaning his head against his shoulders.

“They really do, don’t they?” he scoffs. “I gave up years ago, my parents plan pretty much everything now, what I’ll say, what I’ll wear, they’re probably looking for me now which is why you should leave.”

“Do you want me to leave?” Naruto asks and he freezes. No, no he doesn’t, his mind screams desperately but he kicks his foot back against the bed and is reminded of his duties, the persona he must act out. He nods solemnly into Naruto’s shoulder and feels him pull away with great regret. He can’t convince himself to watch him leave but hears the door quietly close before flopping down on the bed.

Curling up on top of the sheets, his head spins with everything he’d just experienced. He remembers the feeling of Naruto’s lips against his own, placing his fingers over them and smiling softly to himself as they tingle from the leftover feeling. Would Itachi be happy? Would he be angry? It was probably the latter, he told himself, why should he get to indulge in something he punished Itachi so heavily for? He curls up into a little ball and fights the tears that threaten to poor from his eyes as he bites his hand to stop any sounds that want to escape his mouth. The world around him slowly fades to black as tears roll softly down his cheeks and he berates himself for even thinking he could ever be happy after what he’d done.

“Sasuke, sweetie, wake up.” The world is blurry when it comes back into view and his mother is kneeling beside the bed, holding his hand. He can’t look at her right now, he’s still too ashamed of her involvement in his father’s embezzling process. She’s never actively been a part of it, but just like him she says nothing as he steals thousand after thousand from various LGBT organizations. She plans these parties, writes his speeches, and gets him all dressed up for every event despite knowing how much he hates it and never questioning why. To him, it just felt the same.

“Sorry, it was too much tonight,” he replied, looking up at her kind face.

“I understand, Sasuke, and I’m sorry it has to be this way.” She stroked his hair in the same way she’d done when he was a child and he closed his eyes to let himself soak in his mother’s love for just this one moment. This way he could pretend he was still young and still had his prospects and wasn’t just a washed-up accountant trying to keep his dead brother’s restaurant afloat by scamming oppressed groups into giving him money.

“But why? Why does it have to be like this? We aren’t even poor or anything, we could afford all this without shitting on people who actually need the money.”

“Oh, honey, it’s so much more complicated than that. If people found out your father had even touched those funds we’d have all our assets taken away and, besides, Itachi would want our family to thrive, wouldn’t he?” Not at the cost of other’s well-being, not at the expense of his own community, Sasuke argued back in his head. But instead of saying that he sat up and sighed, getting off the bed and following his mother back down the stairs to his own personal hell.

...

Sasuke was both surprised and annoyed when he saw Naruto at the next party, roaming the floors without his pink-haired companion. He sent a glare the man’s way and Naruto winked back at him. He saw red and decided to just ignore him until Naruto realized he wasn’t welcome but Suigetsu, the constant thorn in his side, almost instantly brought them together.

“Sasuke, you remember Naruto Uzumaki, right? You two seemed to his it off last time,” Suigetsu introduced.

“Did we?” he asks derisively, glaring at Naruto who smiles brightly against him.

“We sure did!” Naruto answers. Sasuke scoffs and turns to Suigetsu.

“If you could leave us alone, Suigetsu?” Suigetsu looks between them and nods slowly before backing away. As soon as he’s out of earshot, Sasuke turns back to Naruto who’s got this really cute and slightly triumphant look on his face that he tries to not let dissuade his anger.

“What the hell are you doing back here? I thought I told you everything you needed to know so you would never come to one of these shitty parties ever again? Do you have a death wish for your career?” he hissed lowly.

“If you’re worried I told anyone anything, you shouldn’t be. I don’t like anything that’s going on here but I wouldn’t want to put you in jeopardy. And as for why I’m back, I figure that even if a lot of the money isn’t going to the causes it supposedly supports, at least some of it is going to a member of our community and his efforts to support his brother’s legacy,” Naruto explained casually.

“You—”

“I figure I should even if I’m probably the only person you’ve come out to, unless you’ve come out to Suigetsu—”

“I most certainly haven’t.”

“Well, then, since I’m the only one who knows I feel like I’ve got a good place I can help you from. I just want to help you, Sasuke.”

“So, you’re just trying to give me money in hopes of winning me over and we’ll have some big, fancy wedding on the hill with you as my sugar daddy?” he asked caustically.

“No! No, it’s not just about the money, I think I can help you because, like we’re both gay and you’re so deep in the closet you can’t see the light about how a joyous and wonderful thing that is!”

“So, it’s about sex? You want to have sex with me, is that it?” Naruto looks absolutely exasperated and he felt a little bad being so purposely obtuse but he had to try everything to get this idiot away from him.

“No!!! Sasuke, please. Please understand me when I say it’s about feelings, emotions, that stuff! I expect nothing out of this for myself except to help you be happier which would in turn make me happy but that’s like—that’s not the point!”

“Are you sure you’re an author? You’re not very good with words.” Naruto gives him an irritated look.

“You’re not going to get rid of me that easily, I have a close friend who’s a psychologist so don’t think I can’t recognize a defense mechanism when I see one.” Sasuke looks around, suddenly remembering they’re in a very public place where anyone could hear them. He sighs in annoyance, realizing how utterly fucked he was if Naruto was able to get past his defenses and make him forget his position so easily.

“Just… don’t get in my way and know if this all comes crashing down around you, it’s your own fault,” he chides. It doesn’t seem like anyone’s really taken notice of them, thankfully, but one could never be too prepared.

“Of course I’m prepared for that!” Naruto retaliates with a pout. “What do you think I’ve been doing this past month?”

“You thought about this for the whole month?”

“Yes? Well, kind of. A little bit. Probably not as much I should have but I, uh, I have a plan. Mostly.”

“You’re an idiot,” he replies as he tries and fails to stuff down the smile at how endearing he found his stupidity.

“Well what’s your plan if this all blows up, then?” Naruto asks, not looking off-put at all.

“Die,” he replies seriously. Naruto stares at him in alarm and Sasuke can see his hand reaching up before he too remembers they’re in public and pushes it back down, his fist clenching.

“Sasuke, you shouldn’t make jokes like that,” he says desperately. Sasuke can’t find it in himself to say it’s not a joke and turns away from the gleaming eyes filled with sadness. “I knew you didn’t want me to leave last time, that’s why I came back. I know you don’t have anyone to talk to about that stuff and I don’t expect you to talk to me about it but I just want you to know I’ll be here if you want to. Last time, talking with you, being with you, it felt so nice, so open and honest. I didn’t feel like I had to hold anything back with you and I—tell me if I’m wrong—think you feel the same way.”

Sasuke wanted nothing more than to hold Naruto, to take him in his arms and just bask in his warmth forever because he was such a light, such a ray of sunshine in his dark and cloudy world. He stared at Naruto for what felt like hours and he felt the longing pouring out of his body but he knew like this he couldn’t even touch him, they were so close but so far from each other. He wanted the same thing as Naruto, he wanted to confide in him, to let him take care of everything and take care of all his problems in return. But in this situation it was impossible, he was too involved and scared of getting Naruto in trouble as well.

“I—”

“Sasuke, Naruto! You two still getting along or was I wrong from the start,” Suigetsu announced and both of them startled out of the gaze.

“Suigetsu, I was speaking,” Sasuke chastised.

“Well then, apologies for interrupting, my liege, please do continue.” He rolls his eyes at Suigetsu’s overdramatic bow and hears Naruto snort behind him. He almost turns to glare at him but with Suigetsu’s presence in front of him, reminding of his place, he can control his emotions much better.

“I look forward to working with you,” he says instead. It’s a small admission, but from the way Naruto’s eyes grow twice their normal size he understands what Sasuke means. He didn’t know how much he’d talk to Naruto and he was almost certain they should never be alone together, but he was willing to allow Naruto’s presence in his life, if only because it made him feel something. Maybe that was bad, maybe he should be afraid of the vulnerability, but he hadn’t felt anything in five years and maybe this would turn out horribly anyway, it was no less than he deserved.

Naruto came to every party after that and the more he came, the more it seemed normal that they talked for so long. People stopped being afraid of Naruto for whatever reason they’d had before and talked to the two of them together because otherwise they probably wouldn’t get to talk to him at all. Naruto joked that Sasuke didn’t need him anymore now that people talked to him again and although Sasuke just frowned a little at that, inside it hurt him more than he cared to admit.

As if there would ever come a time when he wouldn’t need Naruto, as if he was just passing blip on Sasuke’s radar and the day would come when the thought of Naruto wouldn’t be omnipresent in his mind like it was now. As if Sasuke would abandon him. Maybe it wasn’t obvious how much his endless charisma affected him but he couldn’t really show that in public and it wasn’t as if they saw each other anywhere else. After their last encounter, Naruto had been overly aware of his personal space and it irked Sasuke to no end. They were friends, no one could deny that. But anything else? No one would dare think it.

The more he got to know Naruto the more he wanted to know, the more time he wanted to spend with him, the more he felt himself grow. At any point there was only person at the party who could simultaneously make him want to pound his head against a table and fall farther into love and that was Naruto. He could admit to himself that he loved Naruto despite the fact that they’d only met about twenty times over the course of a year but every time he saw him he had to work harder to not stare into his eyes, to not brush up against him “on accident”, to not ignore literally everyone else at the party and talk to Naruto exclusively.

It was terrifying. He should be terrified. He shouldn’t be happy. He should just accept his fate to live alone and unhappy for the rest of his life but Naruto was just such a ray of sunshine that he made everything seem so hopeful. He wished desperately that the idiot would stop infecting him. It was that same hope he’d felt when he’d first read Naruto’s book and the million times afterwards. He’d tried to read it again after he met the author but nothing could compare, nothing was nearly as good as being in Naruto’s presence and hearing him say all that positive bullshit himself.

Now he’s sitting next to his father in a car on his way to Itachi’s death anniversary party. It’s his least favorite day of the year but for some reason his parents felt that the best way to celebrate their eldest son’s death was with a big scam of a fundraising party instead of at his grave with a bouquet of flowers and a moment of silence. There would be no moment of silence at this party and Sasuke was expected to be his usual self which, admittedly, wasn’t very charismatic, but it was more than he felt on this particular day. He wanted nothing more than to be at home in his bed, eating ice cream and watching god awful rom-coms that made him scoff and cry.

“Sasuke.” He looks up suddenly at his father who called him. “It seems you have an admirer.”

“Naruto?” he asks with a suspicious glare. His father nods slowly and Sasuke feels fear rising in his throat.

“It is good for the organization since he is well known but remember to watch yourself.” Sasuke freezes for a second and his whole body is thrown forward with the force of the car as it stops even though his father didn’t move an inch. What did he mean? Did he know about Sasuke’s feelings and was warning him against action? Or was he implying that he should watch himself around Naruto because he would do something unsavory.

Sasuke bit his tongue and felt blood flow into his mouth at just the thought of his father even suggesting something like that. He stood and stiffly got out of the car behind his father, glaring at him intently.

“Just as long as you keep your watch on the accounts,” he retaliated. His father shot him a glare and Sasuke smirked triumphantly though inside he still seethed. This night was going terribly already.

Inside, he almost immediately met up with Naruto who was already talking to someone and looked slightly uncomfortable with the situation if his stiff shoulders were anything to go by.  
“Naruto, learning to step out from under my wing?” he teased as he walked up behind him. Naruto turned to him and he saw the fakest smile he’d ever seen face him. Sasuke’s eyes narrowed at the pure anxiety radiating off his friend and when he looked to the presumed source, the answer became obvious. Danzo Shimura.

He had no idea why Danzo came to these things, apparently his grandson was gay or something but from what he’d heard they also had a very rocky relationship so god knows why he was here. He was also potentially the creepiest person Sasuke had ever met which really said something given his previous occupation as an accountant. He stood closer to Naruto, feeling somewhat protective of him not knowing what Danzo wanted from him.

“Ah, Sasuke, I’m so glad you could join us. We were just discussing the current literary market,” Danzo announced. Sasuke found it hard to believe Danzo knew much about the current literary market.

“I don’t know much about that so I think I’ll let you two through this one,” he said. He didn’t leave, however, and saw the tension in Naruto’s shoulders relax somewhat though he still seemed somewhat tense. He stood beside Naruto quietly as the two of them talked, he’d almost instantly forgotten his father’s insinuations when he’d seen Naruto but now that he had some more time to think, the anger rose within him again. He had to suppress his urge to just grab Naruto’s hand and walk them both out of the party right now really hard, thinking of all the shit he’d get into if he so much as touched the other man. He was on high alert tonight, he felt like anyone could be watching them.

“Fuck, shit, I gotta piss,” Naruto exclaims as he runs away. He’s probably just trying to find an exit from the conversation and suddenly Sasuke feels bad for not trying to give him one. He frowns at his retreating form.

“You know, you really ought to be careful around him, Sasuke,” Danzo tells him, low and deep as if he’s uttering a secret. He’s suddenly much too close for Sasuke’s liking and he backs up a little, just to clear his head. “He’s the one who got Jiraiya put in jail.”

He doesn’t know who Jiraiya is or what he went to jail for but the whole comment sent him to the moon. Who were all these people telling him to stay away from Naruto? Who did they think they were? Were they testing him? If so, they were all fools to think he’d pick them over Naruto.  
“Excuse me,” he said with a tight smile and quickly dipped out. He marched over to the bathroom where Naruto was just coming out.

“Oh, you left him? Thank god, honestly, I didn’t know if I’d—"

“Leave,” Sasuke ordered.

“What?” Naruto looked dumbfounded.

“You need to leave. Shit’s about to go down and I don’t want you to get caught in the crossfire,” he explained.

“About to… Sasuke, what happened?” Naruto asked hurriedly.

“They’re testing me,” he grit out.

“Testing you—Sasuke, you’re not going to—”

“Just leave,” he said again.

“No. You can’t order me around. If I want to stay, I will,” Naruto argued. Sasuke glared at him but relented with a sigh. If he was honest with himself, knowing Naruto was in the crowd would help relieve his anxiety.

“Thank you,” he said softly, putting a hand on Naruto’s shoulder before quickly removing it and walking away. He turned away, scared of how Naruto looked after he’d just touched him for the first time in almost a year. He knew if he saw that face, he might just run away with him before even doing what he needed to do.

Behind the stage, he’s given his speech and prepped by his mother and Juugo, fixing his coat and hair as he silently tries to calm himself. He’s not going to get anywhere if he just goes out and starts yelling, he might even accidentally out himself and that’s not what this is for. He heads out on stage and taps the mic once or twice to call everyone’s attention to him.

“Good evening everyone and welcome to the fourth anniversary of the Uchiha Foundation LGBT fundraiser.” He paused and looked out in the crowd, finding Naruto almost instantly. He smiled and winked at Sasuke in encouragement and as he took a deep breath, Sasuke began again. “Today, as you may know, is also the five-year anniversary of my brother, Itachi’s, death.” He looked out again and this time his eyes met his father’s and he remembered his previous anger. “Isn’t it incredible how it only took a single year after his death for Fugaku Uchiha to see his own son’s death as a financial opportunity? Do none of you have a brain? Or are you all just completely aware of the fact that it’s a complete scam created by my father to profit off the backs of the community my brother was so deeply connected to?

Because that’s what this is, this whole foundation is just a scam so my father can embezzle money from the rich and guilty. Are you all really so blinded by your own damn guilt that you can’t see beyond the pennies in your pockets? Do you really think anything like this could actually help LGBT people? Rather than just donating to the source you’d rather give all your money to a third party so you don’t actually have to interact with the disgusting queers? You’re the disgusting ones, I’m sure you all get some kind of fucking tax benefit off this, don’t you? Is that it? Taxes? You make me fucking sick. I should be at home, doing what my brother would’ve wanted for me, how we always spent our free time but you all forced me to be here so you could feel good about yourselves and parade me around as some kind of pity party favor. Whatever, I can’t do it anymore.”

Irate, he scans the crowd for signs of Naruto but is disappointed to find him gone. Maybe he shouldn’t be disappointed, it was him who told him to leave. Either way, he had to get out of here after seeing how ruffled the crowd around him was. There had to be at least one outsider here who would make his scene public, he hoped so or he’d have go to the press himself. He ran down the side of the stage and into the kitchen, knocking over a couple pots and pans as he rushed out the back door, ignoring the calls of his mother and the chefs.

“Sasuke!” he heard as soon as he got out the door. But it wasn’t his mother or anyone he was currently running from, it was Naruto, his hand waving out the window of a car as he pulled up to the door. Sasuke breathed a relieved sigh, the fear shaking away from him as they pulled out of the back alley and onto the street. The last thing he saw from that dreadful party was his mother running to the corner of the alley, eyes wide and wet, calling his name in agony. At that, he felt guilt overcome him and turned away from the window as his body scrunched into itself.

“I know it’s hard, but it’s for the best,” Naruto told him, sensing his worry. “I hope for both your sake she comes to her senses and from what I know about her I think she will. You did your part, now you just gotta wait.”

“But what if she wants to but I’m not there for her, what if I can’t help her? I can’t just think about myself all the time, helping my family comes first and then I can…” He doesn’t know how to finish that statement, or he does but saying the things Naruto does just makes him feel awful. He doesn’t want to turn into someone selfish who puts his own desires above the people who matter to him most.

“Sasuke, you’re right and it’s okay to worry about your family but you can’t let it run your life. Sometimes you gotta act a little selfishly so you can help them more in the future, ya know?” Sasuke narrowed his eyes in confusion.

“That doesn’t make any sense. Why would I need to be selfish to help people?”

“Well, when you’re all worn out like now you won’t be able to help them and might even make things worse, right?” Sasuke felt panic rise in his chest.

“Did I make things worse?”

“Maybe. Well, actually, yeah, you did, in a way. But do you feel better?” Naruto’s eyes were on the road and Sasuke stared at him from the side for a minute before turning back to look out the window with a deep breath.

“I guess. I was just talking out of thin air but I wonder if what I said was right.”

“Right?”

“Like what if there were good people in the crowd that are negatively affected because of what I said?” he asks tersely, trying not to let his anger at himself spill out. He hears Naruto chuckle lightly beside him and turns to face him, their eyes meeting as Naruto side eyes him.

“Eh, I don’t think so. Fuck ‘em, honestly. They’re terrified of me ratting on them for being perverts and just using you because you’re rich and obviously broken.”

“Obviously broken?” he asks with a glare directed Naruto’s way.

“Yeah, Sasuke, anyone who has bags under their eyes that reach the bottom of their nose is someone I’d qualify as ‘obviously broken’. Besides, I doubt most of them actually care about LGBT issues and if they’re LGBT themselves they don’t really seem like the good type. You met that Orochimaru, right?” Sasuke thought of that creepy man and couldn’t hide his disgusted scowl. “Yeah, me too.”

Sasuke turned towards the window and as he looked out he realized he had no idea where they were going, not that it really bothered him, it was just funny how quickly he’d gotten in the car with Naruto, no questions asked. This idiot had somehow gained his complete trust in so few hours spent together, but if he was honest with himself, Naruto had gained his trust the moment Sasuke had learned he wrote that book. And then when they’d kissed, he felt that feeling of being alive again, that brilliant fire he’d once had sparking to life again and the world seemed to slip away. He wanted to just slip away and feel it all again.

“I don’t deserve you,” he said as Naruto pulled into a parking deck.

“Yes, you do,” Naruto replied as he parked and they got out of the car. “You deserve someone you trust, someone who will be there for you when you need it, who won’t ever give up on you and who’ll stand with you no matter what. And if you want that to be me, I’d be more than happy to be that person.”

“Why?”

“Why me or why do you—"

“Why do I deserve all that? Why are you so passionate about someone like me who gave up on myself years ago?” He followed Naruto complacently into the elevator, only vaguely watching as he pressed the button 

“Because everyone deserves a chance to grow and recover if they’re willing to take it. Besides, you don’t avoid me like everyone else, you told me and that whole crowd that your family’s fundraisers were a scam which takes a lot of guts, and you’re also pretty hot.”

“I hardly think those qualify as reasons to help someone who’s been nothing but mean to you the entire time you’ve known them,” he said with a pointed glare for the last point. Naruto only glared back at him.

“You haven’t been mean! Sure, you’re a little defensive sometimes but you’ve never been mean. I’ve seen you be mean and the closest you’ve ever come to that was when we first met which was weird but I think you were just trying to play off how attractive you thought I was.” Sasuke glares at the doors and scrunches into himself as they get off the elevator, feeling his face heat with embarrassment. Before Naruto, he’d never really let himself be attracted to anyone, knowing it was only ever men, but he just blew any chance of that out of the water. Naruto, as easy-going as ever, though, and just laughed off his insecurities in a way that felt more congratulatory than condescending. “I knew it! You’re so bad at hiding that.”

“You’re just really good at seeing through me. Most people would be immediately turned off by that reaction.”

“Maybe I’m a masochist but it turns me on when they have a little bite,” Naruto says with a shrug as the elevator doors open. “I don’t think I have a single friend I’ve never fought with. It’s not really for everyone, I guess I’m just a combative person by nature. But you’re… weird I guess. You’re nice in like a mean way? That’s the best way I can put it. And when you do something genuinely sweet like when you said thank you earlier? I almost fainted.”

“Shut up, I hadn’t even thought about that,” he groaned. He really hadn’t, had barely thought about it as he’d done it

“Good! You always overthink those things, just let it happen. You’re really good at that when it comes to like interpersonal stuff but then when it’s moral you do shit like that whole big speech back there.”

“That place was hell, I’ve wanted to take them all down for years.” They were at the end of the hall when Naruto stopped in front of a door and searched around in his pocket a bit before taking out a key and putting it in the lock. Sasuke stared at his hand as the lock turned, desperately debating whether or not he should turn back here. There were so many reasons he should, so many anxieties and fears running through his brain but as he thinks about all the things Naruto’s said to him and the peace he feels around him, he can’t convince himself to turn around. He takes a deep breath as Naruto’s hand wraps around the handle and turns it until the click of the bolts allows him to press forward and Sasuke follows him in, determination filling him. There’s no turning back now.

“Yeah,” Naruto continues once the door has closed behind him, “because you didn’t want to lose your brother’s restaurant and it might also get you into legal trouble despite it not being your fault. There were so many reasons to not do it and you did, I think that speaks of incredible courage.”

It seems to be the end of that conversation since he can’t really find anything to say after that and Naruto looks like that’s his closer. Instead he sits on the couch in the middle of the room and stares at Naruto in the kitchen as he pours water into a kettle.

“Do you want some tea?” Naruto asks and he gives a small sound of affirmation. He watches Naruto feeling somewhat out of it as he put the kettle on a hot plate and goes to the cupboard. “What kind d’ya want?”

“Surprise me.” He smirks to himself as he hears Naruto groan and starts to ruffle through his immense pile of tea boxes. Sasuke’s smirk turns into a smaller but affectionate smile as he watches his idiot throw boxes across the kitchen, scattering tea bags everywhere and making disgruntled noises. He can’t help but think that he wants to experience this more often, to feel this simple and relaxed, to be beside someone who makes him feel that way.

There’s no way he’ll ever get over his past, no way he’ll ever be able to forgive himself for what he’s done but when he was around Naruto he at least wanted to try, Naruto made him feel things again, something other than pain, anger, and sorrow. His life was a shell of what it used to be, something as devastating as his brother’s suicide couldn’t help but turn him into something he couldn’t even recognize. It was so odd to him that Naruto would then come into his life with his book and himself and give Sasuke that feeling that he could get some of that back, if not all of it, then the parts he still wanted. He wanted that happiness, that joy he used to feel looking at his family’s faces, that ability to live without constantly feeling like a walking reminder of Itachi’s legacy.

Naruto brought over his tea in a tall mug with the Hershey’s chocolate logo on it.

“I don’t want to hide anymore. Don’t want to hide who I am, what I want or what I need and what I need is you, Naruto. I need you in my life. Every second of the day. You are so important to me and I’m tired of denying that for other people’s sake. It’s not their fucking life, is it?” he suddenly says as Naruto’s sliding onto the couch next to him. Naruto freezes for a second before sitting down, staring directly as Sasuke with a look of awe on his face.

“No,” he whispers reverently.

“It’s my fucking life and I’m going to do whatever I want and what I want is to be in a relationship with you, if that’s what you want?” Naruto’s eyes looked like they were going to bulge out of his head for a second before a wide grin enveloped his face.

“Sasuke. Sasuke Sasuke Sasuke. I was so scared, so worried that you—you were only humoring me and that you were just going to drop me when you got bored. I—I—” Naruto pressed slightly closer to him and he froze, making Naruto pull back. Sasuke took a deep breath and steeled himself for what he was about to say.

“Naruto, I’m sorry I ever made you feel that way,” he shifted in his seat so that his leg was almost touching Naruto, “if I didn’t want you around, I wouldn’t even humor you. But ever since you walked into my life… I read your book, you know?”

“I knew it,” Naruto hissed with vehement gratification.

“Yeah, whatever. It came out right after Itachi died and I read it and it touched something inside me, I read it every night, about twenty times and then meeting you and seeing just how you embodied the way it made me feel, the conflict that consumed me, I couldn’t possibly stay away. Then with the—god—” He felt like he couldn’t even explain how wonderful everything about him was, his brilliancy, his over-flowing light and compassion that captivated him so completely.

“What?”

“Just everything about you is wonderful and I want to know more about you and be with you properly because I’m not—I’m not used to these kind of feelings. I’ve always felt so trapped and tired but being with you, even when you’re sad or I’m sad or we’re both sad is just—I need more.” He explained desperately, trying to explain his feelings in a way he never had before. Finding words for how he felt had always been something he’d struggled with, instead actions had taken precedent for expressing what he felt but no action could truly demonstrate how much he felt for his idiot.

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, I want to be in a relationship with you. Fuck, I wanna be with you so bad. It’s so fucking weird and ridiculous and I don’t understand why but I like you way too much. I just hope you can handle my bad days cause they get pretty fucking frightening.”

“Just don’t expect me to give another speech ever,” he huffed.

“After that shit you just pulled? Oh, you better believe I am.” Sasuke groaned internally and rolled his eyes at Naruto’s teasing smile. He’d never live this down, would he?

“That’s a once in a lifetime experience, you’re never getting a confession like that again.”

“Noooooo, Sasuke, please? Please? Pretty please? I need your motivation, I thrive on your validation. Validate me, Sasuke,” Naruto begged with a pout.

“Please don’t ever say that again.”

“Tell me I’m pretty?”

“You’re pretty.” Naruto bounced lightly next to him, his smile almost blinding as Sasuke suddenly became aware of how close they were sitting. Their legs brushed briefly as Naruto turned back and he froze again, briefly. It was so terrifying to be here alone here without any possible interruptions and no obligations, he wasn’t sure what his body would do. Well, there were plenty of obligations, but they couldn’t get to him right now, couldn’t see into Naruto’s apartment and punish him for taking solace in the touch of another man.

Here he could be free, yet he was still frozen under Naruto’s gaze which pierced him so deeply, the love clear in his eyes and his smile like something Sasuke had never even dreamed of, so sweet and full of affection he felt like he might drown.

“I didn’t bring you here for anything more than just getting away if that’s what you’re worried about. This felt like a place no one would find us and I figure you don’t want to be found at the moment, sorry if I was wr—”

“You’re half-right. I don’t want to be found, but I’m not worried about you coming onto me.” Sasuke sounded a million times more confident than he felt and he could tell from Naruto’s look that he didn’t believe it for a second.

“You sure about that?” he asked. Sasuke shrugged lightly and turned to stare at his steaming mug on the coffee table. “Sasuke, based on… last time, I’m going to need more than that if you want to do more than talk while we’re alone.”

“Do whatever you want to me,” he said, giving Naruto a challenging glare. Naruto glared right back at him and sighed.

“Okay, well, we’ll take this slow then. I’m just going to touch you and if you freeze or say something I’ll stop. Sound good?” He nodded shortly and stared as Naruto put his cup of tea down on the coffee table, his confidence immediately shattering. His hand was curved lightly and his fingers spread as they touched his thigh and he bit back the fight that popped up in him at the sensation, instead he forced himself to look in Naruto’s eyes. As soon as he did that he felt the world melt around him and drown out any fears he had. Naruto looked so happy, excited and full of joy that he couldn’t keep a snicker from sneaking out if him. That just made Naruto smile wider and squeeze his thigh which he barely registered over his complete entrapment in Naruto’s smile. Sasuke closed his eyes and moved forward, pressing his forehead to Naruto’s shoulder to hide his smile. Naruto removed his hand from his thigh and put it behind his head, shifting over so their legs touched.

“Wanna watch something?” Naruto asked and he nodded, turning to face the TV on the wall in front of them. “Any preferences?”

“Itachi and I used to watch romcoms all the time, he never really said anything about it but I’d always see this dreamy look on his face whenever the main characters ended up together.” He didn’t know why he was telling Naruto this but he figured it out when he heard Naruto laugh, mesmerized by the sound.

“From what I’ve seen of him I didn’t expect him to be that kind of person.”

“Hm, he was very different from his public persona. He was always very good at acting where I wasn’t. I used to envied him for it but I saw later how much it wore him out and I didn’t envy him anymore.” Naruto didn’t respond but when he looked up at him, in a way that was sure to hurt his neck if he stayed that way for too long, he was still smiling lightly. It was so nice that he didn’t try to pity him or ask him if he wanted to stop talking about Itachi. He had always wanted to but so many people deterred him with their worried glances and pitying words that he ended up drowning in his thoughts and fears, living as if he was only memories.

“I don’t own any romcoms… wanna look at Netflix for something?” He nods again, turns his head so that it didn’t feel so awkward and puts his arms around Naruto’s stomach. Naruto squeezes his shoulder lightly and he smiles as they scroll through the seemingly endless supply of Netflix movies.

“That one,” Sasuke says when he saw the movie he wanted.

“This one?”

“No, go back one.”

“This one?”

“Yeah.”

“This seems more like a drama than a comedy,” Naruto says suspiciously.

“It’s good and it has Keanu Reeves, what more could you want?”

“So you’ve seen it before?”

“Of course I have, don’t you remember when it came out? It was all the rage. Itachi took me to see it three times in theatres.”

“In theatres?” Sasuke couldn’t suppress a chuckle at the incredulous tone in Naruto’s voice and nods again.

“I think it was his favorite movie. He might’ve just had a crush on Keanu Reeves though.” There was a sense of relief that flooded over him when Naruto laughs at his little joke about his brother’s crush. It was a theory he’d concocted years after Itachi had died and he’d had time to reflect and come to accept his brother’s sexuality, when he realized he’d never really accepted it when he was alive. He still wasn’t ready to come out himself and was currently working on his acceptance of himself but being near Naruto it felt okay to explore his emotions and express himself openly. He hadn’t actually seen this movie since Itachi had died but here with Naruto he felt that if he did then it might change something in him so he wanted to give it another shot.

“Don’t we all?” Sasuke lifts his head up to glare at Naruto.

“No,” he answers scathingly.

“Eh? Really? Who do you find attractive, then?”

“You.” He smirks as a blush spreads across Naruto’s face and he feels the arm around his shoulder squeeze tightly.

“Well there’s got to be someone else, right? You have to had known you were gay, bi, whatever before we met.” He frowns as he thinks about his past and the men he’d found attractive while learning about his sexuality. It hadn’t been a good time for him since he’d over-reacted to being gay and ended up ignoring and repressing his feelings for years until they all came out on the worst day of his life.

“I don’t like to think about it.” Naruto’s face was not one of judgement or pity but of understanding and unable to take his shame he pushes his face back into his shoulder. No matter how many times Naruto said it, he felt so unworthy of his friendship.

“Okay,” he replied simply and hit play on the movie. “What if we tried to find some new people for you? In the movie there might be someone you’re attracted to.” Sasuke shrugs noncommittally, unsure of the idea but willing to try. At the moment he didn’t really care about being attracted to anyone except the flesh-and-blood person right next to him, keeping him warm. He wants to stay wrapped around him for eternity.

Sasuke only barely payed attention to the movie as they watched it, he already new the plot by heart anyway, but he kept his face towards the screen while staring at Naruto out of his peripherals. Throughout the film, Naruto would point out every new guy that came on screen, even extras, and ask Sasuke if they was attractive to which he continually shrugged, enjoying how it frustrated Naruto and made Sasuke want to kiss the pout right off his lips. He wondered if that would be okay or if randomly kissing the person he’d only just gotten into a relationship with would be pushing any limits.

It was such a new feeling for him, wanting to do something so affectionate, but Naruto just brought new feelings out of him every second. With Naruto he’d always felt so supported and understood in a way he’d never felt and he never wanted to let go. He tightened his arms around Naruto’s waist and when he turned away from the TV to look at him, Sasuke saw his eyes were wet with tears. He couldn’t help but press against Naruto’s neck and feel himself shake with laughter, of course this sap was crying at the world’s most ridiculous romantic drama.  
He took it upon himself to wipe the tears off his cheeks and pressed a small kiss under his eye.

“I look like such a loser, crying on our first date at some shitty movie.”

“You always looked like a loser.”

“Yeah, well you’ve always looked like an asshole.”

“Thanks, it took a lot of effort,” he replied haughtily. Naruto looked at him with a raised eyebrow before sweeping in and kissing him. Sasuke’s instant reaction was to freeze and when he felt that, Naruto pulled away with an apologetic smile.

“Sorry, that was probably too much, wasn’t it?” Sasuke narrowed his eyes at the apology and took it upon himself to kiss Naruto again just to show him it wasn’t too much. This time Naruto froze in surprise as Sasuke’s lips covered his and he smiled against him.

“It was just surprise, see? I’ve been thinking about this for the whole movie.” He accentuated his statement with another kiss and then began peppering them all around his lips.

“Hm, same here,” Naruto replied, bringing the hand not draped around his shoulder to his cheek and pushing his face so their lips were together again. Sasuke shifted to sit on his lap, keeping his arms around Naruto’s waist as their lips moved against each other. It felt so good to just be here with Naruto, letting himself do something he’d only dreamed of and wishing that this day would never end.

They stopped kissing for a bit and Sasuke just looked into his eyes, smiling softly as he felt himself giving the affection he had recently been receiving. Naruto stared back at him and when he grinned, Sasuke felt his heart leap like he was eighteen again. He’d always wondered what people meant when they said love made them feel young again but of course it would be Naruto to help him understand that.

He pressed his face into Naruto’s neck even though it was a little awkward since he was taller than him and just inhaled his warmth. Naruto leaned his head into Sasuke’s neck as well and they sat there for a little while, basking in each other’s presence. The thought of pushing it further was gone from his mind until Naruto shifted his hips under him. He was probably just getting more comfortable and didn’t even have a hard-on but just feeling how close their crotches were pushed anxiety back to the forefront of his mind.

It wasn’t as if he wasn’t sexually attracted to Naruto, it’s just that it felt so overwhelming. Laying against Naruto in this non-sexual way was completely different to getting each other off, it felt like such a permanent shift, something he might not be able to come back to. He knew his anxieties were stupid and terrible but he couldn’t help but wonder if he would wake up in the morning and not feel anything for Naruto again, if suddenly he was no longer gay and could just go back to the perfectly ignorant lifestyle he’d had in his twenties, marry a woman and have two kids growing up behind a picket fence just like everyone wanted for him.

He thought of Itachi, his smile, the way he’d lived his life in the dark and how it’d hurt him so much in the end, how Sasuke had hurt him so much.

“Naruto,” he said, gathering all his courage.

“Hm?”

“There’s something I have to tell you.”

“What is it?” He pulled back from Naruto’s neck and stared at the arm of the couch. He had no idea why he wanted to tell Naruto this but he wanted to get it off his chest since it was something he’d never told anyone.

“It’s about what happened five years ago, how Itachi died.” Naruto nodded at him to continue and he took in another deep breath. “Itachi was always very discrete with his relationships, sure he was out but we never met any of his partners and he never talked about them either, I just assumed he didn’t have any, that he was gay in theory but never really acted on it so when I came over one night and found him having sex with someone I was angry. I don’t know. Maybe not angry, upset, hurt, something. I don’t know—”

“You’d been repressing your own feelings because you didn’t want to be one of those gays who only thought about sex and Itachi was your only model for being gay so you thought you were bad for wanting it,” Naruto interrupted. Sasuke bit his lip and nodded, feeling tears well up in his eyes as arms wrapped around his back in a comforting gesture. “I understand all too well, go on.”

“I—I was so disgusted with myself and—and with him that I just said that. When I walked in they stopped immediately and his partner left while I just stood there drowning in my hate and as soon as I head the door close I told him he was disgusting.” He couldn’t help the tears that spilled out of his eyes and he had to hiccup back a sob as he tried to wrangle his voice into words. “I spewed a bunch of homophobic bullshit at him for about five minutes and left but I’ll… I’ll never forget the look on his face as I left him there, crying on the ground.

I worried and worried about it for the next two hours and sent him a text telling him I was sorry but when he didn’t reply I got really worried so I went to his restaurant and found him in the bathroom in a tub full of blood with his wrists slit open. It’s my fault. It’s all my fucking fault I said all that dumbass bullshit and killed my fucking brother the only person who ever really cared about me. The only one who would’ve accepted me no matter what. I’m such a fucking idiot Naruto, I don’t deserve you.”

Naruto was holding him so tightly against his chest he felt almost asphyxiated and he looked up at him and saw tears in his eyes as well, his mouth wobbling as he tried to keep in his own sobs.

“It’s not your fault, Sasuke, it’s not, it’s really not. God, Sasuke.” Naruto didn’t say anything else for a little while and they cried into each other. He felt awful reliving all that stuff all over again but there was also some insane need to stop running from his past, to face it and make up for the mistakes he’d made in the past. He wanted to be a better person and though he could thank Naruto for kick-starting his brain to go in the right direction, he knew it had to be himself to bring it all together and confront his inner demons.

“It’s really not your fault, Sasuke,” Naruto reiterated after they’d both calmed down a bit. He gave a derisive snort at the assertion and didn’t move from his position in his neck. “I’m serious, Sasuke, it is never your fault when someone else chooses to commit suicide. It doesn’t matter what you did or said, the fact that he did that was his own fault and you shouldn’t have to carry that burden. Of course you should learn and grow from the things you said when you see they had a negative impact on someone else but you can’t blame yourself for someone else’s actions like that. You said before that he hid himself, that surely would’ve weighed on him and he may have even had a mental illness that he just ignored and that… none of that is your fault.”

He didn’t really know what to say in response to that but he had so much anxiety built up inside him that he needed to release it somewhere so he kissed him instead. Naruto responded, albeit hesitantly, and he almost immediately tried to push deeper, opening his mouth and licking over Naruto’s lips, hands working their way under his shirt. Naruto pulled back immediately.

“No.” This time it was Sasuke who pouted and instead went back to his neck, this time licking and nipping at the warm skin, his hands retreating from underneath his shirt.

“Why not?”

“You’re emotional and just told me about the most traumatic experience in your life, I’m not exactly in the mood either.”

“Whatever. Is the movie still on?” He still felt nervous but he wasn’t about to push Naruto and just being able to touch him did wonders for the way his stomach turned.

“No, it finished a while ago. Your tea’s cold too and you didn’t even drink any of it,” Naruto says with a pout.

“Make me some more?” he asked with a bite to the skin underneath his chin.

“Sure thing, babe.” Sasuke narrowed his eyes at the term of endearment but said nothing, too preoccupied with freaking out as Naruto stood up with him still in his lap.

“What the fuck,” he exclaimed as he quickly wrapped his legs around his hips. Naruto slid his own hands underneath Sasuke’s thighs to keep him up.

“A test of endurance to see how long you can stay up, plus that stuff you’re doing feels nice, please continue.” Sasuke rolled his eyes but continued until his legs got tired and he had to beg to be let down on the counter.

Naruto made more tea and this time he actually drank it, immediately letting the heat and smell of lavender calm him. They talked about little things like the weather and their lives and work for the next few hours and although he’d already learned many things about his friend since they’d met a little under a year ago, everything about their interactions changed now. He didn’t have to hide his feelings and touched him as much as he wanted to. Freedom was gratifying and he couldn’t wait to explore more of it with Naruto.

**Author's Note:**

> writing this really made me wanna write gay trans Sasuke fic… I might have a hard time w/ it bc it’s such a close issue to me but I’m going to try. I definitely own that hershey’s mug. It’s one of the oldest in my collection. The movie they’re watching is the lake house which I can only vaguely remember as super cheesy and weird since I watched it in a hotel room w/ my mom when I was nine.
> 
> There is a possible sequel I have kind of planned to this but I don’t think I want to write it til I gather interest about it on here and it wouldn’t be more than one part because I genuinely don’t know enough (or want to know more) about white-collar crime and this would slip into that real quick I know. Anyway, please leave kudos and comments to let me know if you liked it and think I should write the sequel!!
> 
> If you want to find me on other places I regularly update my tumblr zenitachi and twitter delatrose so send any questions you might have there!


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